Ever Lonely

10 - Nothing Really Matters - Zorak

I am doing it again. Twitching my thumbs. She was the one who told me about doing it. I never seemed to notice it very much. She told me that Isaac twitches his middle finger and Taylor doesn't do it at all. After she said that I took notice to it. She was right. Every time I twitched my thumbs I would try to stop, but if she saw me she would always tell me to let it happen. It doesn't really matter what I do. That's why I love her. That's not the only reason. She always saw the person I was. She knows everything about me. Every face I make she reads. I can do the same for her.

I never could truly understand her fully. It wasn't til the night before this one that I really looked at her. She was staying with us, for a week. I was sitting in my room just reading a book when I heard her walking past my door. I noticed that when she can't sleep she'll walk around the house. She seems to do it a lot. My door was only opened a little so I didn't think she noticed. We sleep with the doors closed in our house, it's a privacy reason. When she walked passed again, I whispered "Hay beautiful,." She glanced toward the door and when noticed it was opened walked toward it. She stuck her head in the door way.

"Hey, Cutie," she said smiling and walked into the room. She took a seat at the edge of my bed. Her short legs swinging back and forth over the bed. She was short, but always had a way of making it seem more obvious. Like swing her legs when she's in a chair. Even when she could reach the bottom. Her Winnie the Pooh PJ fell to her knees and a pair of red Mickey Mouse Boxers could barely be seen. I smiled at her outfit she looked like a little kid. At least her hair wasn't in pig tails. Instead just laying straight down on her back. I looked at her face. To anyone else she might not be beautiful, but there was something in me that saw only beauty in her. She wasn't prefect but who in this world is.

The silence between us was strong, but comfortable. She always said that the sign of true friendship is when silence comes comfortable, and this was. I was laying there on my bed with my book lying on my chest, and she sat there aimlessly swinging her feet over the edge. She looked up at me then to my feet which were besides her.

"You got cute feet," she said bluntly. That was her style straight to the point, "Unlike mine," she continued, "they are all weird," she said then returning her attention to her swinging feet, "Not like it really matters, nothing does, but my feet just aren't cute."

"Why not?" I asked her, all of sudden getting interested in her feet. She had away of doing that. Talking about weird things that made sense.

"Well, I got this weird separation thing and my next toe isn't as big as my big toe." I smiled. It was funny to hear her say this.

"It's just a foot."

"I know, but I am just saying. You got cute feet, Heck, I think all of you is cute."

"You're cute yourself."

"Me, nah, you're the cute one, I am just your girlfriend," she said smiling at me. I smiled back at her. "Your cute, in your own way."

"Aw, thanks, kid." She always had a nickname for me no matter what. I didn't mind them at all. Even the embarrassing ones, she could call me them in public but I would care less. They just made me feel more connected to her in a way.

"Are you going to watch up practice tomorrow?" I asked her.

"Why not? I am finished packing. I can be your cheerleader! You need all the practice you can get!" She was right. Right now we were less then prefect. No matter how bad we got she would never doubt or give up on us for a second. She was also supportive too. Yesterday we were at the Grammy's. Just like the first I dropped the drum stick. I remember looking at her from my space. She was smiling and singing along. After we preformed she gave Isaac and Taylor a hug first each giving them a little squeeze. Then she did the same for me but have me a hard one, just to let me know that she loves me. She still hasn't said anything about it I wonder if she knew.

"It doesn't really matter," she started, "dropping the drum stick." There she goes reading my mind again. "You had to be looking right at you to see it. Don't worry."

"Yeah, but doing that only made Taylor want to practice more."

"Which means I don't get to see my Zacie. Remind me to have a little talk with our dear friend."

She smiled at me then pulled her legs up on the bed sitting Indian style.

"Why can't you sleep?" I asked bluntly I was picking up her habits.

"Not tiered, time change, messed me up, what about you?"

"I am picking up your habits."

"Funny, well that's good. I mean, that means we are close you know?" she looked up at me. I always loved when she added in you know, she always does it.

"Your right, but bad habits?"

"That means you spend way to much time around me," she said smiling. That was true. I was picking up all her habits bad and good. That also just made me feel closer to her. That's what I wanted to be closer to her.

"Do I have bad habits?" I asked her. She gave me a thinking look then took a deep breath.

"Everyone has there bad habits, but let's not focus on that. You have a lot of good ones."

"Thanks, so do you." All she did was smile and we went back to the silence. I lifted up my book and pretended to read it. Instead I just watched her. She had she eyes shut and was lying her head against my wall. I could see she was in thought. I looked at her hands. They were folded nicely on her stomach. Her glass were falling to her nose and without even thinking she pushed them up. I studied her body. Memorizing what she looked like. Almost like I knew I would be forgetting soon. She wasn't the skinniest person in the world, but I didn't care about that at all. It wasn't what was outside, that doesn't really matter. What's inside that does, and inside she was prefect. In my eyes she was prefect.

"What are you reading?" she asked me without even opening her eyes.

"My favorite book."

"Hobbit." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.


"Read it to me," she said opening her eyes and crawling along side me on the bed. She rested her head on my shoulder.

"Your not three."

"Too bad, I read to Mackie all the time, it's your turn read to me,"

"Fine, well...." I started to read from where I left off. I kinda owed it to her. She was right. Always did read to Mackie. Always took care of them too. I was almost jealous of her relationship ship with my brothers and sisters. She was close to them all too. After about ten minutes of reading I could tell she was asleep. Her eye lids shut and I could tell she was dreaming about something wonderful. I put my book down at the edge of my bed and turned off the lamp beside me. I pulled the covers up to our chins and snuggled in next to her. Smelling her hair. And enjoying the moment. My lips touched her forehead. I closed my eyes and held her close to me. I slowly fell asleep to the sound of her rhythmic breathing.

The next day flew by. We practiced and she left. Right before she boarded the plane, I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me.

"I am going to miss you."

"I'll miss you more."

"I love you baby."

"I love you more" we hugged. I never wanted to let go at the moment. Nothing else really matter to me then to be close to her. Nothing. Then she placed her lips on my own and kissed me. Then she left. I watched her walk down the terminal and right before she board she blew me a kiss.

It was only an hour later when a found out the news. The plane crashed. I couldn't believe it. I didn't at first. Hoping this was some sick joke my brothers were playing on me. It wasn't. Hearing she was alive weren't the best words, she was in a coma, but still she was alive. It seemed like forever until I was able to be sitting here next to her hospital bed. All the machines around me. She looks so helpless laying her. I can barely make her out.

I looked down at my twitching thumbs. Nothing else in this world matters to me, more then her waking up and smiling at me. All I need is her smile on last time. I need to see the light in her eyes. I need to hear her voice call out my name. I need to feel her arms around me, I need it. Nothing else really matters.