03 - Make Today - Megan
It's raining today.
Today is not just any day, it's today.
Today should be special, a word that once meant something of great value, as in "Today is my day, this is the day I'll..." But people used it so frequently and carelessly that today has lost it's magic.
This is my day.
This ordinary September day is going to mean something.
I look out of my window and through the trees. I try so hard to see the sunshine, but all I see is rain. Dreary, cold, wet rain. Cemented to the earth by the heavy downpour, the leaves look up to Him, and silently pray for the evil rain to relent. But the cruel rain beats steadily upon their frail bodies.
Here I am, sitting at the window, watching this cruel act of nature, and I realize that is how I feel life treats me. A few months ago, in April (has it really only been 5 months?) I know I wouldn't have felt this way. Then I had someone who I thought I knew would always be there to listen. Now there is no one here, and life beats down savagely on my soul. I turn back to the window and continue to gaze wondering if he was ever really there. He must be real, silly! His pictures are on the wall downstairs; he lives across the street. You know he's there! I tell myself, scolding myself for being so pessimistic. Though I used to live by optimism, I can't help but think darkly now. Now that so much has been lost, even though he's not gone forever.
I look down upon the immense lawn and I see the ghosts of four children who such a short time ago roamed these streets and tumbled about in this yard. Children, who grew from 'little kids' to teenagers; from Freeze Tag to two-on-two basketball. The three boys and the little girl who rushed happily into either house for hot chocolate after the first snowfall every year. They were long gone now, only in my memory, but I know they were there, because I was one of them. I was that happy little girl.
I see past the concrete basketball court and the gravel driveway. I look across the rural dirt road. There sits another house, very similar to mine, yet now very different inside. I am sitting here watching the house, yet I don't see the two vans or the three little children, eagerly jumping out of them, happy to be home.
I reach up to push one of my blond tendrils out of my face and I feel the warm, wet tears. Tears streaming for a friend. A friend who left to follow a dream. They have all left, walked out of my life, only returning when the ties of the dream allow them to. I don't think I can ever understand. WHy would they want to leave me here, alone? Yet truly only he has really abandoned me. Only he has really hurt me. Only he has really betrayed me.
I feel a deep, powerful feeling of loneliness rushing over me. Anger, loneliness, and fear all invade my soul at once. I find myself at the top of the stairs. Tears are still coming, harder as I blindly run towards to front door.
I slowly turn the knob and step out into the rain. But the rain has stopped. I let out a silent, innermost cry for help, and I hope that he will hear me. I hear the familiar sound of leaves crunching under thick boots, and I try to mantally push it aside, but the sound nears.
I hear his voice, but I try to ignore it.
"Oh Lilly, please. Talk to me. Listen."
His voice cracks as my name escapes his lips. His words are a silent cry for forgiveness, a cry no one can hear or understand but me. I turn to face him without brushing away my tears in shame. I want him to see what he has done, see what he has destroyed.
"I know I hurt you, Lil." He says using his special nick-name for me. "Leaving hurt me too. But leaving you made me realize how much you matter, and how much I took you for granted." Tears filled his beautiful, caremel eyes and spilled over, running down his cherubic face. His crying was not to make anyone feel guilty, as mine were, his were to show repentance, and apology.
"I hated you for months. I...I thought I would never recover. You hurt me, even if you didn't realize until it was too late. I didn't hate you for doing what you're doing, I hated you for acting like I didn't matter. I saw you with all those people around you, and I thought it was so unfair for them to have you, when I'm the one who...who loves you."
I confessed looking him straight in the eye. I reached over and gently pushed his long hair out of his face. I lowered my head and sobbed. They grew stronger, and racked my chest. "You can't leave! They don't see you the way I do! I love you! I should be there beside you!" I yell, sobbing uncontrollably now, and I feel my knees begin to give way. I stagger, and begin to collapse, but his strong, boyish arms are around me, supporting the waight of my body and soul. A feeling of relief washes over me, filling the empty void in my heart that had held it's place there for the past five months.
"I...I love you too Lilly. I realized after we left, that I had just left you behind, and I had just discovered I loved you." He spoke from his heart then, with so much certainty.
Will she believe me? he asked himself. Oh, please God, let her love me. Please oh please let her open her heart to me again! Let her know I mean it! He prayed within himself as he gazed at this wonderful girl in his arms, crying.
Crying over him.
"Lilly, no one has ever made me feel this way before. My heart pounds every time I think of you. I have been waiting to see you...no, to tell you...for the longest time," he pleaded.
I know I love her, he thought to himself. I've never been so certain of anything! I know it!
I opened my mouth and took a deap breath. "I think I'll be okay when you leave, but you have to promise me something. Promise me I'll never lose you. I love you too much. Swear it," I say, regaining my balance with his arms still around me.
"I swear, no matter where I am, I'll always love you. You'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll naver let you go."
He promised, and I knew that was I promise of a love, a friend, and a soul-mate. With those priceless words, my life made sense again, I felt as though a dark cloud had been lifted from my soul.
As I had hoped, and promised myself, I had made today mean something. The value and meaning, for me at least, was back in the word today.
I had made today mine, and I am no longer alone.