Chapter Five

Noah, are you sure you're alright?" Sarah asked, a look of concern on her face. 

A strange look passed over her husband's face.  Then, he smiled and kissed her on the cheek.  "Honey, I'm fine, okay?"

Sarah wasn't buying it.  "Noah," she began, lowering her voice, "you never go to that park anymore…you promised me you wouldn't go."

Noah's smile faded.  "Look, Sarah, I told you everything was okay."

She frowned.  "Then why the hell…" she stopped, noticing her voice had raised in volume and the others were staring.  She tried again, a little quieter this time.  "Then why the hell did you and Taylor walk in here fresh from some pissing contest?"

"There was no pissing contest, Sarah," Noah replied.  "There was an accident…"

"An accident?" she screamed.

"Shh!  Yes, a truck pulled out in front of us and we ran off the road.  We're fine, though."  He looked her straight in the eye.  "I promise you…everything is fine."  He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead.  "We're both just a bit shaken up…Tay especially."

"Okay, sweetie, if you say so."

They embraced tightly as the door to the banquet room opened.  Charlie wheeled in a large birthday cake.  It looked like the front page of a newspaper, complete with white and black icing, even down to some made up cheesy headline at the top.  Twenty-eight black candles stood all in a row, threatening to set off the sprinkler system at any moment.

Sarah pushed Noah towards the cake and everyone gathered around him, beginning to sing.

Happy Birthday to you…
Happy Birthday to you…

Zac's own voice boomed louder than everyone else's as he continued on with the "other" popular version of the song.

You look like a monkey
And you smell like one too!

They all laughed as Noah took Zac by the shoulder.  "Come here, little buddy," he said. 

"What is it?" Zac responded. 

"Well," Noah said, taking the knife from next to the cake.  "I want you to be the first one to have a piece of my cake."

"Cool!" Zac responded, not realizing he was being set up.

"So," Noah began, "do you want a big piece…or a little piece?"

"A big piece."

Noah began to cut the cake, selecting a piece with a generous amount of creamy icing on it.  Zac's eyes opened wide as Noah kept cutting.  He'd never seen a piece of cake that big before.  Noah picked up a spatula and put the treat on a paper plate.  He smiled…it was a little bigger than an average size brick.  "That big enough for you, Zac?"

"Oh yeah," he said.  "Plenty big."

Noah stifled a laugh.  "Well," he said, "I hope you enjoy it."

"Gimme!" Zac shouted.  Before he knew what happened, Noah had shoved the cake right in his face.  He didn't stop there, though…he pushed hard and rubbed the "gooeyness" all over Zac, coating him with a sticky, sugary facial mask.

Everyone cracked up laughing as Noah pulled the plate away.  There he was, Hanson's drummer, looking ridiculously tasty with icing and white cake all over his face.  Taylor and Isaac were rolling on the floor, they were laughing so hard.  Tay was bright red and had tears running down his cheeks.  Ike was shaking, hitting the floor with his left hand.

"Oh," Zac said, licking the icing from his lips, "so ya think that's funny, do ya?"

"How was the cake, Zac?" Noah asked.

"It was great, Noah," Zac responded.  "Why don't you have some?"  He reached down to the cake and grabbed a big hunk of it.  He raised his hand and smeared it into Noah's face.  This made Isaac and Taylor laugh even harder.  Zac and Noah looked at one another and smiled.  They each grabbed a handful of the destroyed cake and threw it down towards the two brothers.  It caught them both right in the face.

"Hey," Ike said, "what gives?"  He and Taylor picked themselves up off the floor.

"We just thought you might like to have some cake, that's all," Zac said.

"Oh, really," Tay said, his hand digging deep into the baked, sticky monstrosity.  He flung the cake toward his younger brother, catching him squarely on the face again.  Ike followed suit, grabbing some cake, but this time turning towards Tracy, who was laughing her head off in the corner. 

She looked up, saw him approaching her and a look of panic took over her face.   "Clarke Isaac Hanson, so help me, if you do that I'll…" 

She was interrupted by Ike smashing the cake into her face.  "Oh, you're so dead."  She ran over to the cake and gave Ike a taste of his own medicine.

"Alright, guys," Walker Hanson, ever the father, said.  "Let's cut it…" 

A wad of creamy, white icing hit him on the side of the face.  "If that was one of my children, then there's going to be one less mouth to feed around the dinner table when we get home."  He laughed.  "Seriously, guys, let's cut out the foolishness."

They all looked at one another and burst into hysterical laughter.  They were a complete and total mess.  Charlie, Marcie, and Jennifer were the only ones who seemed to have escaped the attack.  For several minutes they stood looking at each other and snickering.

"Well, Charlie," Marcie began, "looks like we've made mess of your banquet room."

"That's okay," he responded.  "I haven't laughed this hard in ages.  Let me run out and get everybody a damp towel to clean up with."



A few minutes later, with everyone as cleaned up as they could possibly get with a damp rag, Marcie approached Taylor.  She knew something was going on -- she’d noticed how Noah had managed to effectively change the subject when Sarah had asked him what was wrong.  Her motherly instincts were in high gear.

“Hi, Tay,” she said, sitting down next to him.  “Everything okay?”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  Scared out of my pants -- may have to change my shorts -- but other than that, everything is fine.”

“I overheard Noah tell about the accident,” she replied.  “Pretty scary, huh?”

He nodded.

“Taylor, do you...do you know why Noah was in the park today?”

"No, ma'am," he said, looking away. 

Marcie gently touched his hand.  "If you know something about this, you really should tell me."

"What makes you think anything is wrong?"

She let out a deep sigh before replying.  "He never goes to that park unless something's wrong -- his dad used to take him there.  Once, not too long ago, he came up missing and we found him there.  He'd taken several bottles of pills with him.  He was going to kill himself, Taylor.  Thank God we found him in time.  After that, he promised us he wouldn't go there anymore.  He's been so close to the edge a few times that we've had to threaten to commit him to a hospital."

Taylor opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.  She needed to know…she deserved to know…what Noah had been up to.  Maybe she could help him -- do more good than he would be able to.  Sure, he'd been able to get Noah to unload the gun, but for how long.  Did he really have the right to just take the gun away?  Could he do that?  He was, after all, just a kid, as Noah had said.  What did he know? 

Nothing, you cheesehead!  That's why you need to tell her!  She can help him.

"Mrs. Barnes?" he began.

"Yes, Taylor?"

"Noah…" he stopped, the images of his nightmare filling his mind.  The shots fired…the face belonging to Noah and not Jesse. 

She'll think you're crazy, dude!  Crazier than a shithouse rat!  Psychic nightmares?  Come on, dude!

Finally, after a long moment, he said, "Noah says everything's going to be okay."

Marcie's brow furrowed and she stared intently into the boy's eyes.  She knew he wasn't telling the truth.  Who was he trying to protect, Noah or himself?  And if either case was true, then why?  She sighed heavily.  "Look, Taylor, I appreciate the fact that you want to honor a vow of keeping silent about something, but sometimes it's more important to break that vow.  I think this might be one of those times.  If something is wrong with Noah, then we should know about it."

Taylor thought for a long moment, his own forehead crinkling.  "With all due respect, Mrs. Barnes, what happened between Noah and me is our own business.  If he wants to tell you about it, then he will, but I can't."  With that, Taylor walked back over to the rest of the group, leaving a defeated Marcie to do nothing but follow him.

It was time for Noah to open his presents.  Everyone had gathered around him.

"Open this one first!" Zac screamed, thrusting a colorfully wrapped package towards Noah.

Taylor rolled his eyes.  "Geez, Zac," he said, "hyper much?"

Zac playfully punched Tay's arm.  "Come on, Taylor, just because you have a pole shoved up your…"

"Zachary!" Walker warned.

He frowned.  "Well, it doesn't mean that the rest of us can't have a good time."

"Yeah, Tay," Isaac added, "chill out, okay?"

Taylor opened his mouth to let loose a smart ass remark, but stopped when he saw Noah staring at him with pleading eyes.  They seemed to be telling Taylor to "please cool it…we've both drawn enough attention to ourselves already."  Taylor formed his mouth into a smile.  "Alright, guys, I'm sorry.  I'm just a little tired from the trip.  Let's just get on with the party."

"Party!" Zac yelled, thrusting the package at Noah again.  "Open it!  Open it!"

Noah grinned.  "Okay, Zac, okay."

"This one is from the Hanson clan," Ike said. 

"Cool" Noah responded, tearing at the wrapping paper like a kid opening a present on Christmas morning.  Removing the paper revealed a plain brown box.  Noah carefully broke the tape holding it together and removed the lid.  After thrusting aside mounds of tissue paper, Noah let out an excited gasp.  "Holy cow!  Guys!"

He pulled the gift out of the box – it was a large picture frame.  In the middle was a matted picture of Hanson and Noah, taken at the Atlanta concert last summer.  All three of the guys had signed it saying, "Happy Birthday to our favorite big brother.  Thanks for everything.  We love you.  Ike, Tay & Zac."  Surrounding the picture were unused tickets – one each from every venue Hanson had played.

"Those are all actual tickets from the Albertane Tour," Zac said.

"Wow, guys," Noah said.  "This is incredible.  You don't know what this means to me.  Thank you so very much."  He gave each of them a hug, lingering a few seconds longer with Taylor.  They'd shared something intimate – they were bonded now.  So much so that Noah sensed something deeper within Taylor than what the young man had shared in the car.  He wasn't the only one struggling with something. 

And Noah planned on getting to the bottom of it.



After making quick work of opening presents, the party broke up and everyone headed toward home.  Ike, Tay and Zac, wanting to spend more time with the Barnes', opted to stay over at Marcie's.  Walker liking the idea of having a room to himself, decided he'd go back to the hotel.  Noah and Sarah also decided that they'd stay with their Mom. 

Marcie and Jennifer rode together; Sarah drove Tracy, Isaac and Zac; and Noah once again ended up alone with Taylor.  He'd meant for that to happen, although he'd faced much opposition from Zac.  The little guy really did seem to like him a lot and Noah hated to say no to him, but he felt it important to talk to Taylor alone. 

Taylor, though, had other ideas.  He started in on Noah as soon as they got back into the car.  "Your Mom was interrogating me at the party."

Noah gave him a concerned look. 

"Oh, don't worry," Taylor responded.  "I didn't tell her anything.  Although it didn't feel too good not being completely honest with her, you know."

Noah sighed.  "I know, Tay, and I'm sorry.  I appreciate you covering for me, though."

"It's no sweat.  Not that it helped – they all knew something was up."

Noah laughed uncomfortably.  "Yeah, I guess we were way too obvious.  I got the interrogation from Sarah.  I blew her off like you did Mom."

"She's your wife, Noah," Taylor said.  "She loves you."

"I know, Tay, it's just hard to talk to her about stuff like that.  Mom, too."

"Well, I can't cover for you forever, Noah.  In fact, if you can't promise me that you're going to be okay, and that this gun business is over with, then I'm telling them everything."

"What?" Noah exclaimed.  "You can't do that, Taylor."

The young boy nodded.  "I can, Noah, and I will."

"Taylor, please…"

"Forget it, Noah.  I covered for you once.  I won't do it again.  I don't like lying to people, especially about something this important.  We're talking about your life here – not a broken vase or a busted window.  I love you too much to play games."

When Noah didn't answer straight away, Taylor continued.  "Promise me that you're not going to hurt yourself.  Promise me that you're going to get rid of that gun, okay?"

Still no answer from Noah. 

"Promise me, dammit!" Taylor yelled.

Noah sighed.  "I promise," he whispered.

"What?"

"I said I promise, okay," Noah boomed.  "Geez, Tay."

They rode in silence for the next several minutes – the eerie glow of headlights and street lamps reaching out at them from all directions.  The gentle hum of the Toyota's engine, and the heater blasting away at the chilly air, filled their ears and minds with a secure feeling.

"Noah," Taylor began, "the only reason I'm busting your balls about this is because I care."

"I know, and I appreciate it.  I honestly do, Taylor, but it's just so hard for me right now.  This damn depression has a hold on me that won't let go.  I'm on my tenth medication now and I'm still where I was a year ago.  Some things work for a little while, then they quit – leaving me feeling worse than I did before I started taking it.  I've given up hope.  It makes me feel horrible that I can't hold it together.  For crying out loud, I’m a husband…and I'm about to be a father.  I'm an emotional wreck!  How am I supposed to take care of Sarah and the baby?  How, Taylor?  How?"

"I don't know the answer to that question, other than you have to keep fighting.  I'm not going to tell you that I know or understand what you're going through because that would be a lie."  Taylor paused, choosing his next words very carefully.  "What I can tell you, Noah, is that you're bigger than this depression.  It's big, yes, and it's scary, and it probably feels like nothing in the world is going to make it any better. 

"You, though, are so incredibly strong.  How you've managed to make it this far without totally losing your mind is completely beyond me.  You are so much bigger than this, Noah, and you can fight it."

Noah shook his head.  "No, I can't."

"Yes, you can, dammit!" Taylor shouted.  "You have to!  If not for yourself, then for your Wife; your Mother and your Sisters; for me, Ike and Zac; but most of all for that little baby who deserves to know what a wonderful, caring man its Father is.  Your child will never know who you truly are if you put a gun in your mouth and blow your fucking brains out!"

A car behind them sounded its horn.  Noah looked up to see a green light -- he'd missed it totally. He'd been hanging on Taylor's every word.  He gently stepped on the gas pedal and moved through the intersection, his mind spinning in thought.  Who was Taylor to be lecturing him like this?  What right did he have? 

And why did he have to make so much sense?

"Don't you understand, Noah?" Taylor said with tears streaming down his face.  "You have to live because…well…" He swallowed hard.  "…because I can't imagine life without you."

They rode the remaining few miles to Noah's house in stone silence.  By the time Noah pulled the Corolla into the driveway, the two of them had reached a silent understanding.  Forgotten, however, was Noah's quest to dig to the bottom of what was on Taylor's mind.  Little did he know, however, that he'd run head first into it within the next few hours.

Chapter Six

Chapter Four

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