The Corolla skidded to a safe stop just inches from a large oak tree.
Noah’s heart raced and his knuckles were white from the grip he held on the car’s steering wheel. It had been one of those moment s they talked about when your entire life flashed before your eyes. He'd seen it all. He knew that he was going to die. And, for once, it scared him.
It was a little different, he thought, when forces outside of your control were dictating when you were going to die. Somehow, when he held that cold gun in his hand, he felt no fear. He knew that he was in control then. When the dump truck pulled out in front of him, he was no longer in control. Now, he was petrified. Scared, but thankful that he was alive.
He managed a glance over at Taylor, who was sitting in the passenger seat. The young boy’s face had gone ghost-white. He sat there frozen in an almost catatonic state. Noah gently put his hand to Tay’s arm and nudged him.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Taylor didn’t answer for a moment, although he opened his mouth several times to speak with no words coming out. Finally, he managed to turn his head and speak. “I – I’m fine,” he said. “I’m just a little shaken up.”
“Man, that guy came out of nowhere. I thought we were done for.” Noah offered a nervous laugh. “You would know we’d almost get into an accident two miles from the restaurant.” Noah shifted the car into reverse and began to back up. He noticed Taylor staring at the floorboard intently and stopped. “What’s the matter, Tay?”
Taylor slowly reached down and picked something up. It was Noah’s gun. “What the hell is this?” he asked.
Noah’s face turned hot. No words came, so he said the first thing that popped into his head. “It’s a gun.”
Taylor rolled is eyes. “I know it’s a gun, smart guy. What is it doing in your car?”
“I…uh...”
“You were gonna kill yourself again, weren't you?”
“No, I uh...”
“Dammit, I knew something was wrong.” He handed the gun over to Noah. “Unload it.”
“Tay, I…”
“Unload it now.”
Noah reluctantly took the weapon from Taylor’s hand and ejected the clip. When he was finished, he handed it back over.
"Now," Taylor said, "I want you to promise me something."
“Tay, please don't make this any more difficult for me.”
“Promise me, Noah.”
Noah sighed deeply. He looked down at the steering wheel for a moment and then back at Taylor. “Promise you what?”
“I want you to promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.”
Tears filled Noah s eyes as he stared back to the steering wheel. With everything he had inside him, he wanted to make Taylor that promise, but something said no. “I can’t, Taylor,” he said softly.
“What was that?”
“I can't do that.”
“Why not?”
Noah shook his head. “I don’t know, Taylor,” he began, the tears flowing freely now. “I want to, but I just can’t.”
“You can’t, or you won’t?”
“Taylor, please.”
“No, Noah, I want to you to tell me.” Taylor’s voice was increasing in volume. “You can't promise me or you won't promise me?”
“I don’t…”
Taylor was yelling now. His hands were gesturing wildly. “Do you have any idea how it makes me feel knowing you want to end your life?”
Noah looked up and started to speak, but Taylor continued.
“Don’t you realize how many people’s lives you’d tear in two if you did something like that? What about Sarah? What about the baby, Noah? For crying out loud, even Zac thinks you freakin’ hung the moon. Ike loves you…my parents love you…Mackie babbles on incessantly about Uncle Noah all the time. Dammit, Noah, you re loved. Can’t you see that?”
Noah was quiet. He simply stared out the front of the car. He knew Taylor was right, and he wanted to believe all the things that he was saying, but something inside refused. His heart was rotting away from the inside out. He felt empty; he felt hollow. Every person on the planet, at this very moment, could have expressed his or her love for him and it wouldn't have mattered in the least.
Taylor, not sure if he was getting through or not, let out a huge sigh. He lowered his tone of voice and continued. “I love you, man,” he said. “You’re like another big brother to me. If anything ever happened to you…” Taylor’s voice began to crack. He stopped for a moment and swallowed hard. “There’s Tracy, there’s Jennifer, there’s your mother. We all love you.”
“I know,” Noah whispered.
Taylor shook his head. “No, man, you don’t. You don’t have a clue. Because if you did, you wouldn't be carrying around this gun and thinking about killing yourself.”
Noah looked over at Taylor, his eyes swollen and red. “Taylor,” he began, “it hurts so bad. I can’t think of anything more than ending this horrible pain. Do you think it makes me happy that I m like this? Do you? You don’t know anything about how I feel, Taylor. You're the one without a clue. I just want it to end, dammit. I just want it to go away.”
Taylor sighed heavily, shaking his head. “That has to be the most selfish thing I've ever heard of in my life.” He laughed. “To end your pain, you’re willing to hurt the countless numbers of people that care about you? That’s screwed up, Noah.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, it is,” Taylor fired back.
“What the hell do you know, you’re just a kid.”
Taylor winced - those words stung. “I’m not the one driving around with a gun in my car, man.”
Noah laughed. “You know, it’s real easy for you to sit there and tell me that I’m selfish; for you to sit there saying that everybody loves me and that life is worth living. It’s really easy to say, Tay, when you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. This is real and it’s horrible. And if you think I’m selfish for wanting it to end, then fine. But I…”
“No, Noah,” Taylor screamed. “I think you’re selfish for wanting to…” He stopped in mid-sentence and picked up the unloaded gun that was lying in his lap. “Here,” he said, tossing the gun at Noah. “You want to end your pain so bad, then go ahead. Hell, why don’t you just do it right here in front of me to hurt me even more? You obviously don’t care about that, so what would it matter?”
Neither one of them said anything for a moment. Taylor’s words lingered in the air, stabbing at Noah’s heart like a thousand daggers.
He’s right, you moron! This fifteen year-old kid is smarter than you are!
Noah leaned across Taylor and opened the glove compartment, placing the gun inside. He shut it with a pronounced flourish and let out a deep sigh. “We’d better...we’d better get to the restaurant.” He put the car back into reverse and looked over his shoulder.
“Noah,” Taylor began, “you can tuck that gun away, but you can’t put your problems in there with it. You have to deal with this. It isn’t going to go away.”
“Can we please just drop this?” Noah asked, merging the car back into traffic.
“Sure,” Taylor said. “Fine.”
They rode in silence for the remainder of the trip to the restaurant, both of them harboring a deep inner struggle that neither was willing to talk about.
Sitting unseen in the backseat of the car, Monica and Tess had witnessed the entire scene between Noah and Taylor. As angels, they’d seen countless numbers of people in pain and in need, but it never made it any easier to accept.
“Oh, Tess,” Monica said, “can’t the two of them just talk about what’s bothering them? Won’t it make them feel better?”
“In some ways, baby, yes, but humans are very stubborn creatures. It’s not always easy for them to talk about what’s hurting them. Their own foolish pride gets in the way. They don’t want to admit that they have problems, especially ones that they can’t handle on their own.”
“They’re in so much pain,” Monica said with a sad look. “I want to help them.”
“Oh, they’ll get help, Angel Girl,” Tess responded, “but the Almighty has something else in store for them. And He has other plans for us, too.”
“Are there any more of those cheese sticks?”
“Dang, Zac,” Ike responded. “You’ve already eaten twelve of those things. Slow down.”
Zac scowled. “I’m a growing boy. I need food.”
“You’re a growing boy, Zac,” Tracy said, “not a growing rhinoceros.”
Everyone laughed.
“Oh, yeah, very funny.” Zac responded. “Ooo! Potato skins!”
Isaac rolled his eyes and smiled as his younger brother attacked the plate of appetizers. He wondered silently to himself where Zac managed to put it all -- the boy was always eating something. “He’s gonna explode one day, you know?” he said to Tracy. “Just like a bloated tick.”
“Eww, Isaac!” Tracy said. “That’s gross!”
She was sitting next to him, her head on his shoulder. Since he’d arrived, she’d not been away from him for a single moment. She had missed him terribly. Isaac was glad to see her too. With Tracy he felt safe -- he felt loved. She was the one person who managed to make him feel special; to fill that empty void that he felt in his heart. In his world of chaos, she was his sanity.
He gently took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Isaac, um, it's been a while.”
“Yeah, it sure has.”
“It's good to see you again,” Tracy said. “Well, in person.”
“Man, Tracy, it's good to see you too. ‘In person.’”
Tracy let out a lighthearted chuckle. “You always make me smile. How do you do that?
Isaac smirked. “It’s talent, my dear...pure talent.”
“Yeah. You've got a lot of that.” Tracy paused for a moment. “You’ve got something else, too. If you want it, that is.”
Isaac looked into her eyes. “What’s that?”
“You've got me.”
“What's ‘if you want it’ supposed to mean?”
Tracy hung her head. “I've changed.”
“And your point is what?”
“The top of my head?”
Isaac laughed, playfully punching her on the shoulder. “Silly. What are you talking about? And be serious!”
She sighed heavily. “I'm not the same Tracy Barnes I was 6 months ago.
“No, you're not. That's true.”
“It's true,” Tracy replied, “but is that truth a good thing?
“Well, considering you'd run away from rehab and sleeping in a hotel stairwell six months
ago, then yes.”
“Why consider what I've done?”
“Because you're not like that anymore, Trace,” Isaac said. “That part of you is gone.
That's the part that’s changed.”
“Would it matter if that hadn't changed?”
“Why are you asking me this? This is insane.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I am,” Tracy replied. “I'm insanely in love with you, but for
what reason?”
“Okay, I'll bite...what reason?” Isaac laughed. “And take a look at my brother over
there shoveling potato skins down his throat, and then ask yourself if you're insane.”
Tracy giggled. “Well, maybe not that insane. But, the reason?” Isaac nodded. “With me, you're never ‘Isaac Hanson, superstar.’ You're ‘Isaac Hanson, sweet guy.’ I love that about you.”
“Okay, so what's your point?”
Tracy was silent for a moment. “I just want to know if you still feel the way you did, or if things really have changed between us.”
“Holy cow, Tracy, why wouldn't I feel the same way? What could have possibly
changed?”
“Everything?”
“You lost me.”
“Losing you. That's exactly what I didn't want. And what more is there? That's a
question I can't answer.”
“You haven't lost me, Trace. I'm still here.”
“Will you always be here?”
“I'll be here until Zac stops eating...which, at this rate...well, I think you're safe.”
“Oh, Isaac. Who's being silly now?”
Isaac gently squeezed her hand. “What brought all this on? Why are you worried about losing
me?”
“I don't know what brought this on.” She paused. “It's just been so long and everything else has
changed. How can I expect for this to be stable when nothing else is?”
“What has changed? I don't understand.”
“My whole life,” Tracy replied. “I met you when I was a screwed-up goth girl hiding out in a hotel stairwell. Well, I'm clean now; no longer goth; no longer hiding out.”
“I know that,” Isaac said, “it's wonderful. I'm proud of you for coming so far.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Didn't any of those e-mails, stuffed animals, or flowers mean anything to you?”
“Yeah. They meant the world to me. It's just...” Tracy threw her arms around Isaac. “Okay, now I don't want to let go.”
Isaac smiled, wrapping his own arms around Tracy. “Look,” he said, “I didn't fall in love with some elusive goth girl, I fell in love with Tracy Barnes. And as far as I'm concerned, she's still here.”
“She'll always be here,” Tracy replied.
“Looking incredibly sexy, I might add.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“Well, I don't like to brag.”
“Yeah, I know. So don't.”
“Every girl in every city at every concert, Tracy...every girl that screamed my name...it didn't mean a thing. Because I knew you were back here waiting for me.
“Every girl that screamed your name, huh,” Tracy said. “Nope, you don’t like to brag.”
“Hey,” Isaac said, trying to sound offended. “I’ll have you know that with the exception of that flight attendant in London, I remained faithful.”
“Oh, if you weren’t such a bad liar, I’d belt you one.”
“You’re right, I did lie,” he replied. “She was in Germany.”
Isaac leaned in to kiss Tracy just as Zac walked by. He giggled and said, “get a room, you two.”
Just as Ike was standing up to chase after Zac, the door to the banquet room opened. Taylor came in first, followed by Noah. The look on their faces said that something wasn’t right. They were both frowning and a cloud of anger and frustration filled the room as they entered it. Everyone else’s smile faded when they realized that something was wrong. This was supposed to be a happy moment, one filled with joy, but every bit of merriment had suddenly been taken away.
Zac, either oblivious to the mood of the room or choosing to ignore it, ran up to Noah and gave him a huge hug. “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” he screamed.
Noah managed a small smile and returned Zac’s hug. “Thanks, little guy,” he said. “Is it someone’s birthday in here or what?”
The laughter from Noah’s attempt at humor momentarily broke the tension in the room, but soon the cloud of awkwardness returned, causing everyone to not quite know what to say.
Chapter Five
Chapter Three
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